Show Vs. Tell Practice Exercises

Now Its Your Turn
Here are a few phrases for you to practice your "Showing Technique." If you aren't sure if you've got it yet, drop me an email and I'll be happy to help you throught it.
Louise Bergmann DuMont - njcwg.dumont@gmail.com

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Show Vs. Tell Practice Sentences

Workshop Preparation
by Louise Bergmann DuMont
2/13/06

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REVISE EACH SENTENCE TO BRING IT FROM TELLING TO SHOWING.

1. At first glance, the wrinkled paper seemed worthless.
2. The girl cried and cried, believing that she would never again be happy.
3. The button on the jacket popped off as he tried to button it.
4. The file folders were stuffed with papers and the file cabinet was stuffed with folders.
5. The garden was filled with flowers that contained every color of the rainbow.
6. The men laughed and joked like teenage boys.
7. The snow fell for nearly forty-eight hours.
8. The book’s pages were brown and smelled musty.

Show VS Tell Handouts

Here are the handouts from the NJCWG meeting of 2/13/06. I hope they clarify the Show Vs. Tell issue even more. I'll post again a little while providing you with a few addtional practice exercises.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Show, Don’t Tell Your Story
Workshop Preparation
by Louise Bergmann DuMont
2/13/06

Good writing is not about using big words...

Good writing is not about using more words...

Good writing IS about using words that soothe,

words that bite, words that entice words that motivate...

Good writing is about using the right words,

at the right time, and in the right way.

In this handout I’ve given you a few hints that will help you to turn telling writing into showing writing.

~~~~~~
HINT 1
Choose your verbs carefully.
Use verbs that accurately reflect the character’s personality and the action taking place.

If your character is a burly Vietnam vet he may or may not lumber down the street.

Think about these things. Is your character drunk? Did he put on a significant amount of weight after he got home from the war? How old is he now? Does your story take place right after his return from Nam or much later? If he’s a young guy who is in good physical condition he probably won’t lumber. He might sulk, he might bolt, he might saunter – but lumber implies a slowness that that comes from an inability to walk due to inebriation, overweight or physical defect. Now... even if the guy was in good physical condition but he was carrying his drunk friend over his shoulders, he may lumber.

Your verbs move the story forward. Choosing the right one can make the difference between a story that ‘pops’ with life or one that is ready for the morgue.

EXAMPLE
Notice the differences in these sentences. It’s all in the verbs.
Bob walked down the street.
Bob went down the street.
Bob moved on down the street.
Bob strutted down the street.
Bob ambled down the street.
Bob slunk down the street.
Bob lumbered down the street.
Bob shuffled down the street.
Bob meandered down the street.
Bob rushed down the street.
Bob sauntered down the street.
Bob strolled down the street.
Bob marched down the street.
Bob strode down the street.
Bob paced up and down the street.
Bob hiked down the street.
Bob tottered down the street.
Bob staggered down the street.

~~~~~~
HINT 2
Write using your five senses.

Pick senses that complement the circumstances of your scene and the personality of your characters. Applying a variety of senses to your scenes will keep your writing fresh and interesting. Applying the right senses to each scene will avoid awkward moments..

If our burly Vietnam vet (as per above example) arrives at a restaurant with his date you probably would not have him comment on the beautiful scent of the lilac bushes outside the restaurant door. If the scent of lilacs is an integral part of your story, you may have his date make a comment on lovely aroma, or you could have him note the almost sickeningly sweet smell. Notice that his date notices the lovely aroma but he smells the scent. Your choice of words unfolds the scene in a particular way. It allows us to SEE different aspects of the characters.

Here is an other hint – males are more visual and females more verbal. Be sure to at use those senses to describe environments related to their gender. A male’s secondary sense is touch and woman’s is scent. Both males and females can be intuitive but males are more likely to filter their ideas through practicality and women through emotion. This does not mean that males can not smell and verbalize or that female should never see or touch; but it is important that a writer use to their advantage the character’s primary senses.

~~~~~~
HINT 3
Never show simply for the sake of description.
Showing must bring the reader something significant. It must open up the character’s life or impart vital plot information. To show the reader a table spread with luscious desserts – no matter how artfully done – is meaningless unless the desserts are significant to the story. To share details of a character’s past only frustrates the reader unless it gives depth to a person we want to know and/or moves the plot forward.

~~~~~~
HINT 4
Don’t tell the reader what emotions are coming.

Let readers feel things for themselves. When you tell a reader what to feel, you rob them of the actual event
and you take them out of the story.

TELLING
In a totally unexpected move, Mary slapped her husband, turned on her heels and walked out.
SHOWING
The crack of her hand against his unshaven cheek burned its way into her palm. She turned on her heels, tears changing the soft blue-gray of her eyes into small beads of polished steel.

~~~~~~
HINT 5
Showing is about clarifying what you want to say.
When you tell (rather than show) you leave the reader unsure about what the author really meant.

EXAMPLE
The woman was impressed with the well-dressed man.

How impressed was the woman? What feelings did the well-dressed man inspire in her? How impressed was she? Would she have given him the job as a VP? Would she go out with him? Would she marry him? Was man well-dressed for a Caribbean cruise? Was he wearing a wool and cashmere suit? Were his clothes designer chic or pristinely pressed K-Mart?

Details help to make a story – just be sure to keep the details pertinent.

~~~~~~
HINT 6
Feel the action and play it out on the paper.
Telling catalogs action. Showing allows the reader to see the actions and the emotions contained in the event. It is the difference between a laundry list and the actual laundry.

TELLING
“Let’s Go.” Mary said impatiently
SHOWING
The click of Mary’s heels on the marble floor followed the snap of Mary fingers and a curt, “Let’s Go!”

~~~~~~
HINT 7
Showing is not JUST details.
A grocery list may give plenty of details about the items you want to purchase. It may give the brand, size, weight, color, flavor, etc. But a grocery list is still just a list telling us what to buy. Good writing shows us what the purchaser is feeling.

Grocery List (TELLING)
4 Large, Ripe, Chiquita Bananas
1 box Kellogg’s Special-K, Small Box
Coffee – Bed & Breakfast, Whole Bean

Quality Narrative (SHOWING)
The four plump bananas fairly begged to join the rich mixture of brown sugar and butter, in what would become my lover’s sweet birthday banana bread.

Special-K. I bought the small box, hating myself for second guessing the potential of this diet already. What was so ‘special’ about Special-K anyway? A bowl of soggy flakes that you drown in week old milk – nothing special about that.

Each gently roasted bean had been ground to a perfect course grain. The scalding hot water allowed precious oils to rise to the surface of the cup. I sipped it like ambrosia – the acidic bite popping my eyelids open and refreshing my weary soul.

NJCWG - Next Meeting

Next Meeting of the NJCWG
Tomorrow!
Monday, February 13, 2006
Ringwood Baptist Church
6:15-7:00 Chat Time
7:00-8:00 More... help with Show Vs. Tell
9:00-9:00 Critiques

Workshop
In Two Weeks
Monday, February 27, 2006
Ringwood Baptist Church
6:00-9:00
You won't want to miss this opportunity to hone your Show vs Tell Skills.

Writing Op - Women of Spirit

http://www.womenofspirit.com/home.php
Women of Spirit
E-mail: WomenofSpirit@rhpa.org
Women of Spirit
55 West Oak Ridge Drive
Hagerstown, MD 21740
Fax: 301-393-4055
Phone: 301-393-4125

Writer's Guidelines

We're happy you want to write for Women of Spirit, a magazine to inspire and disciple Christian women. Women of Spirit seeks to be a friend and mentor, stimulating spiritual vitality, nurturing emotional growth, fostering balanced, healthy living, and encouraging a loving Christian witness in the home and community.

To fulfill this mission, Women of Spirit seeks writers from a diversity of ethnic and cultural backgrounds who think creatively and seek God deeply. Though primarily targeting Seventh-day Adventist women, this magazine appeals to women of other faiths and therefore avoids using language and experiences not easily understood outside the Adventist arena. Women of Spirit aims to build a joyful sense of community among women and to affirm their place of service in the body of Christ. Women of Spirit welcomes you to share a piece of your heart.

Women of Spirit Needs: Stories, Devotionals/Spiritual Topics, How-to Articles, Personal Issues, Short Humor (500 Words), Poetry (Use very little), How I Share My Faith at Work (150 words), Spirited Life (500 Words), Manuscript Length (between 500 - 1,000 words)

Tips for Good Writing

• Keep your writing personal and conversational. Imagine that your reader is sitting right next to you.
• Make sure you have a solid beginning that hooks your audience into reading your article or story.
• Use strong action verbs.
• Your descriptions should enable your reader to see what you see as you write.
• Get rid of clichés.
• Include realistic dialogue in your story.
• Show, don't tell.
• Remember that truth is better than fiction.

Writing Op - Highway News

HIGHWAY NEWS (a magazine for Christian truckers)
Transport For Christ
1525 River Rd.
Marietta PA 17547
Phone: (717)426-9977
Fax: (717)426-9980
E-Mail: tfcio@transportforchrist.org
Website: www.transportforchrist.org
Contact: Jennifer Landis, editor

About HIGHWAY NEWS: "We publish human interest stories, testimonials, and teachings that have a foundation in Biblical/Christian values. Since truck drivers and their families are our primary readers, we publish works that they will find edifying and helpful."

Editor's Note: Does not pay writers.
Freelance Facts:
50% freelance written
Established: 1950
Circulation: 35,000
Publishes manuscript 1 year after acceptance.
Byline sometimes given.
Rights purchased: First rights
Submit seasonal material 9 months in advance.
Accepts queries by: Mail, Email, Fax
Accepts simultaneous submissions
Accepts previously published submissions
Responds in 2 weeks to queries.
Responds in 2 months to manuscripts.
Sample copy free.
Writer's guidelines by e-mail (editor@transportforchrist.org)

Nonfiction:
Needs: Essays, General Interest, Humor, Inspirational, Interview/Profile, Personal Experience, Photo Feature, Religious, Trucking
Does Not Want: No sermons full of personal opinions.
Buys 20-25 manuscripts/year.
Submission method: Send complete manuscript
Length: 600–1,200 words.
Pays in contributor copies.
Does not pay the expenses of writers on assignment.

Photos: Send photos with submission.
Reviews: Prints, GIF/JPEG files,
Photos Require: Captions, Identification of subjects, Model Releases
Buys one-time rights
Does not pay for photos.

Columns & Departments: Columns open to freelancers: From the Road (stories by truckers on the road); Ladies' Corner (stories for truckers' wives), both 600 words. Send complete manuscript

Fiction: "We use very little fiction."
Needs: Humorous, Religious, Slice-of-life Vignettes
Does Not Want: No romance or fantasy.
Buys 1 or fewer manuscripts/year.
Submission method: Send complete manuscript
Length: 600–1,200 words.

Writing Op - Volunteerist

Volunteerist - (http://www.volunteerist.org/magazine/guidelines.html)
Story ideas submitted via query letter are welcome at The Volunteerist. All queries should be sent via email to query@volunteerist.org. No postal mail queries please.

Manuscripts that have not been preceded by a written query will neither be considered nor returned. We are not responsible for the return or loss of, or for damage to, unsolicited manuscripts, unsolicited artwork, or any other unsolicited materials.

A general familiarity with what The Volunteerist has published in the past is the best guide to our needs and preferences.

No payment is offered for our “Voices” guest column. Other sections pay between 50 cents and one dollar per word depending on writer's experience. The editor may request copies of published clips prior to granting an assignment.

Send questions, comments, and queries to query@volunteerist.org.

Writing Op - HowStuffWorks Website

HowStuffWorks Website (http://www.howstuffworks.com/)

If you are interested in writing for HowStuffWorks, we would love to see your résumé and some samples of your work. Please keep in mind, however, that we receive a high volume of e-mail from interested writers, but work with only a small group of freelance contributors. In other words, we are highly selective.

Above all, we are looking for authors who exhibit exceptional writing and research ability. Authors should also be able to:

* understand complex subjects and break them down for a general audience
* contribute entirely original, previously unpublished work
* finish assignments in a timely manner (no more than a month from assignment to completion)
* adapt to the HowStuffWorks voice and article structure

HowStuffWorks does not accept unsolicited articles. Please only send samples of previous writing. If we decide to try you out as a writer, we will give you an article assignment. If we decide to accept your submission, we will pay you for the article. All work is work for hire.

If you are interested in writing for HowStuffWorks, e-mail your résumé and writing samples to Authors@HowStuffWorks.com.

Poetry Contest - The Writer's Online Poetry Spotlight

You are invited to submit a poem to The Writer's Online Poetry Spotlight! Award-winning poets Kay Day, Kim Addonizio, Alfred Nicol and Claudia Grinnell will critique selected poems online.

The critique will include suggestions as well as comments citing the poem's strengths. Guest poets will address form, poetic devices, sound, sensory elements and style, and will offer purely constructive comments.

If your entry is selected for critique, you will receive a one-year subscription to The Writer.
The best Spotlight poem posted on The Writer Web site in 2006 will receive $100!

Click here for more details and the submission guidelines:
http://www.writermag.com/wrt/default.aspx?c=a&id=2823

Writing Op - U.S. Catholic

U.S. CATHOLIC
Claretian Publications
205 W. Monroe St.
Chicago IL 60606
Phone: (312)236-7782
Fax: (312)236-8207
E-Mail: editors@uscatholic.org
Website: www.uscatholic.org

Editor: Fr. John Molyneux, CMF.
Managing Editor: Heidi Schlumpf.
Executive Editor: Meinrad Scherer-Emunds.
Contact: Fran Hurst, editorial assistant

About U.S. CATHOLIC: Magazine covering Roman Catholic spirituality. "U.S. Catholic is dedicated to the belief that it makes a difference whether you're Catholic. We invite and help our readers explore the wisdom of their faith tradition and apply their faith to the challenges of the 21st century."

Frequency: Monthly
Editor's Note: Please include SASE with written ms.
Freelance Facts:
100% freelance written
Established: 1935
Circulation: 40,000
Pays on acceptance
Publishes manuscript 2-3 months after acceptance.
Byline given.
Rights purchased: All rights
Editorial lead time 8 months.
Submit seasonal material 6 months in advance.
Accepts queries by: Mail, E-mail, Fax, Phone
Responds in 1 month to queries.
Responds in 2 months to manuscripts.
Sample copy for large SASE.
Guidelines by e-mail or on website.
Nonfiction:
Needs:
Essays
Inspirational
Opinion
Personal Experience
Religious
Buys 100 manuscripts/year.
Submission method: Send complete manuscript
Length: 2,500–3,500 words.
Pays $250-600.
Sometimes pays the expenses of writers on assignment.
Photos:
State availability of photos with submission.
Columns & Departments:
Pays: $250–600 for columns.
Fiction:
Contact: Maureen Abood, literary editor
Needs:
Ethnic
Mainstream
Religious
Slice-of-life Vignettes
Buys 4-6 manuscripts/year.
Submission method: Send complete manuscript
Length: 2,500–3,000 words.
Pays: $300 for fiction.
Poetry:
Contact: Maureen Abood, literary editor
Needs:
Free Verse
Does Not Want: "No light verse."
Buys 12 poems/year.
Submit maximum 5 poems.
Length: 50 lines.
Pays: $75.

Writing Op - Dragons, Knights & Angels

Here is market you may not have heard of. Please check their writers guidelines as indicated.

DRAGONS, KNIGHTS, AND ANGELS: THE MAGAINZE OF CHRISTIAN FANTASY AND SCIENCE
Fiction: 5461 W. 4605 S., West Valley City UT 84120
Email: dkamagazine@quixnet.net
Website: www.dkamagazine.com
Nondenominational
Family friendly magazine of Christian fantasy and science fiction.
Monthly ezine; 600 hits/mo
80% unsolicited freelance
Petry: Accepts 12/yr
Tips: Submissions are only accepted during designated reading periods listed on the website. Submissions sent at other times will be rejected

NJCWG - Next Meeting

Next Meeting of the NJCWG
Monday, February 13, 2006
Ringwood Baptist Church
6:15-7:00 Chat Time
7:00-8:00 More... help with Show Vs. Tell
9:00-9:00 Critiques

Writing Op - Take-Home-Papers - Courage

Courage
Take-Home-Papers

Courage is looking for well-written sotries that show the truth about God (related to the weekly Sunday school less) as it comes to bear in the lives of children today. They especially need stories for boys,l or stories that have both boy and girl characters.

At the webite below you can access specific writers guidelines:

http://www.rbpstore.org/about/writefor.cfm

Writing Op - Take-Home-Paper for Children - Adventures

ADVENTURES
6401 The Paseo Blvd.
Kansas City MO 64131-1213
Phone: (816)333-7000
Fax: (816)333-4439
E-Mail: acallison@nazarene.org

Contact: Andrea Callison
About ADVENTURES: Published by Adventures for children ages 6-8. Correlates to the weekly Sunday school lesson.

FREELANCE FACTS
Columns & Departments:
75% freelance written
Pays on publication
Publishes manuscript 1 year after acceptance.
Rights purchased: All rights
Accepts queries by: Mail, Fax
Responds in 2 months to queries.
Sample copy for #10 SASE.
Writer's guidelines for #10 SASE.

Columns open to freelancers: Fiction and Nonfiction Stories, 250 words, Pays $25; Rebus Stories, 125-150 words, Pays $25; Interesting Facts/Trivia, 100-125 words, Pays $15; Recipes & Crafts, Pays $15; Activities, Pays $15.
Submission method: Send complete manuscript

Fiction:
Accepts life application stories that show early elementary children dealing with the issues related to the Bible story, Bible Truth, or lesson goals. Children may interact with friends, family, or other individuals in the stories. Make characters and events realistic. Avoid placing characters in a perfect world or depicting spiritually precocious children.
Length: 250 words.
Pays: $25 for fiction.

Poetry:
Short, fun, easy-to-understand, age-appropriate poetry that correlates with the Bible story, Bible Truth, or lesson goals is welcome. "We prefer rhythmic, pattern poems, but will accept free verse if reads smoothly out loud."
Length: 4–8 lines.
25¢/line, min. $2

Writing Op - In Touch Mag

In Touch Magazine

Freelance authors wishing to contribute their work to the In Touch magazine should adhere to our writer’s guidelines. Be sure to study several issues of In Touch magazine to understand our tone, approach, and topics of interest. Archived articles are available at www.intouch.org.

Mission
In Touch magazine strives to inspire, encourage, educate, and change lives by communicating God’s Truth, and connect people to God’s work through In Touch Ministries.

Editorial Content
Effective writing for In Touch magazine presents biblical truth in a practical and approachable manner. We desire to publish articles with take-away value—helpful hints, available resources, or principles our readers can integrate into their lives. Except in rare cases, articles are written in first or third person. Writers should not assume reader’s familiarity with Christian terminology.

Since In Touch is a ministry-affiliated magazine, our readers expect articles to adhere to sound biblical theology and agree with the teachings of Dr. Charles Stanley.

Second Story (1,600 words) A feature article with a Christian principle. A wide range of topics is permissible.

Mighty In Spirit (1,200 words) An exegetical treatment of a Bible character who demonstrates faith in or dependence upon God. Application to today should be clearly made.

By Faith (800 or 1,200 words) An article that showcases inspirational stories of Christians demonstrating God’s influence in their lives.

Solving Problems God’s Way (800 or 1,200 words) These articles identify problems or situations to which most of our readership can relate. Solutions should be both practical and biblically sound.

Family Room (800 words) This category deals with issues affecting children from infancy through college. Parenting and other family issues are appropriate topics. Scriptural principles should be included.

We do not publish news or external source sermons.

Query Submission
In Touch magazine does not accept unsolicited manuscripts for publication. Freelance writers may submit a query of one typed page/400 words which includes:

* the section of the magazine for which the article is intended
* a working title
* a tentative outline or detailed summary
* expected length and proposed completion date
* the author’s qualifications to write the piece

Queries may be submitted to the attention of the Associate Editor by e-mail to writers@intouch.org or to the following postal address.

In Touch magazine
3836 DeKalb Technology Parkway
Atlanta, GA 30340

Mailed queries must include an SASE for reply. We do not accept simultaneous queries. Please allow 6 – 8 weeks for response.

Query Acceptance
If your query is accepted, we will invite you to submit your article on speculation. A properly formatted manuscript will be

* typed
* double-spaced
* numbered
* printed on only one side of the paper.
* In the top right corner of the first page, please include your name, address, telephone number, e-mail address, and the word count of the document.

We prefer Bible references from the New American Standard Bible. If using another version, please cite the version with each reference. Re-titling or editing for length or content may be requested of the author or performed by the editors at their discretion. Again, please allow 6 – 8 weeks for a response.

Payment
Payment is made only if the manuscript is accepted. Editors reserve the right to reject any manuscript at any stage. The current rate is 30-35 cents per word for first rights. We do not accept reprints at this time.

Picture Book Info

I just found this WONDERFUL website http://picturingbooks.imaginarylands.org/using/using.html
It has tons of information as well as picture books as examples.
If you have any interest in writing pictures books you MUST check this out !

Resourses - The Writer Newsletter - FREE

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POETRY NEWS
From Maude Carolan

7th Annual Photo, Art & Poetry Exhibition
March 10, 11 & 12, 2006
Sponsored by the St. Catherine of Bologna - Patron of the Arts Assoc.
Place: St. Catherine of Bologna Parish Center, 112 Erskine Road, Ringwood, NJ

For information, applications and guidelines, go to: www.saintcatherinephotoart.com
or call David J. Nocera, exhibition coordinator at (973) 962-0563

Writing Op - Tahi Mag

This recently came to me from Kimberlie Clark

I am looking for artists, writers, (all genres) poets, illustrators who want to promote their work in the Tahi magazine (Great Exposure) on MSN The Arts Have It.
http://www.theartshaveit.com/

There will be a Poetry contest coming up for Balentines and I will post more about that later. If interested contact Bella admin@theartshaveit.com or me proud_momof22000@yahoo.com.

Thanks
Kimberlie

WorkOut - Show, Don't Tell

YOUR TURN TO TRY

Using the information presented in my last two blogger posts, try your hand at turning these TELLING phrases into examples of SHOWING.

TELLING:

flying flag
cheap wine
hot chocolate
deadly weapon
old woman
cold weather

EXAMPLE

Telling: flying flag

Showing: the flag flapped like the wings of sea gull

MORE PRACTICE

Rewrite these TELLING paragraphs, using the SHOWING technique..

Use these questions to help you see what you should change.
Do I care about the characters?

What can I do to make my readers know and care about the characters?

What words are too vague?

Are there like/as comparisons that would help me convey the thought better?

Can I use dialogue to enrich the story?

Is this a visual passage?

What needs to be done to create word pictures in the reader’s mind?

PARAGRAPH 1

George was hot. Sweat poured off his brow and soaked his shirt. Being a farmer is not the life for me, he thought.

PARAGRAPH 2
The car was traveling about 70 mph when it hit the old oak. The man inside the car miraculously survived, too drunk to even notice that his car was now unrecognizable.

PARAGRAPH 3
Andrew was mad. Really mad. He was so mad he wanted to hit something – and hit it hard. Unfortunately for him, the next person to enter the room was the police sergeant.

If you would like to share what you've written with me, you can email me (Louise Bergmann DuMont) at njcwg.dumont@gmail.com I will critique your attempts ONLY if you request that I do so -- but I promise to read them all.

Jehovah-Nissi (The Lord is My Banner) Exodus 17:8-16

Louise Bergmann DuMont

Facilitator, NJCWG

njcwg.dumont@gmail.com

www.louisedumont.com

www.cafemochlight.blogspot.com

Part 2-Show, Don't Tell Handouts

Here is the first handout from last night's meeting where we discussed the directive:

Show, Don't Tell

I've included instructions and three examples. If you have any questions, drop me an email. As always, I'm available to NJCWG members private discussions. All you need to do is pick up the tab for coffee at the Ringwood Diner (smile).

Please note that these handouts are in preparation for our 2/27/06 Writers' Workshop

~~~~~~~~~~

HANDOUT #2

~~~~~~~~~~

Show, Don’t Tell
Workshop Preparation
by Louise Bergmann DuMont
1/23/06

POINTS TO PONDER

Show the smoke instead of the fire.
New writers try too hard to describe the snap of the twigs, the intense heat, and the color of the flames. Sometimes it pays to take a more subtle approach. Describe the smoke and let the reader determine that it comes from a raging fire. Remember what it is you want the reader to focus on. When you concentrate on a description of the fire you move the focal point off of the protagonist. Better to describe the protagonist choking on the smoke.

TELL to quickly move past something.
SHOW to pause and draw attention to something.
If you want to get your character to a new location, or you need to let your reader know facts pertinent to a coming event – TELL.
If a scene is significant to the plot, is easily portrayed by action or reveals something important about a character – SHOW.

Use comparisons and analogies (like or as) to bring life to dry descriptions.
Instead of Saying: The boy took of his clothes quickly.
Say: The boy shed his clothes like a boy on the banks of the Mississippi in August.
Instead of Saying: There were some shiney coins.
Say: The coins glittered by the light of the slots as if they were the jewels in a queen’s crown.
Instead of Saying: The woman had a beautiful voice.
Say: The woman's voice rose like a lark in love.

Use strong nouns and active verbs.
Instead of Saying: the cloth was rough
Say: the coarse fabric tore at her skin
Instead of Saying: she took a cool drink of water
Say: the cool water brought new life to her parched throat
Instead of Saying: her pretty new clothes
Say: her fashionable silks drew the attention of every woman in the room