As I mentioned to a few of you, I am posting last night's Show Vs Tell lesson here. Feel free to print this and use it, but if you share it with anyone else -- please be sure to site this blog and the author (me). I ask this not inorder to receive credit for the work but because others may have questions or issues with the material and they should be able to go to the source for clarification. Thanks.
SHOW VS TELL
Lesson Taught at the NJCWG Meeting 1/24/05
Why should you SHOW rather than TELL your story?
1. SHOWING creates mental pictures for the reader. Our society is more visual than ever before and readers insist on visual narrative.
2. SHOWING is participatory. It involves readers in the story by evoking feelings and by forcing readers to think for themselves and draw their own conclusions.
3. SHOWING helps to avoid preachy writing. You don’t TELL a reader what to think or how to act. You simply SHOW them the events and let them draw their own conclusion.
4. SHOWING lets the reader know you think they are smart enough to “get the point” of your manuscript. TELLING makes the reader feel dumb because you bang them over the head with every detail.
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Example using narrative:
TELL
Jane was an old woman.
SHOW
Her hunched form entered the great hall with small, deliberate steps. Jane’s gnarled hand gripped the rosewood cane that supported her fragile frame. The other liver-spotted hand fugitively clutched a small lace hankie.
Can you see how the first example simply passes the reader information? The writer TELLS the reader that Jane is old. In the second example the author never says that Jane is old. The reader must discover this through observation.
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Example using dialog:
TELL
Jean had a reputation. Every member of the office staff from the top down knew that Jean was the one who got things done.
SHOW
The corner of Phil’s eye twitched nervously. “We’re doomed. There is no way we can get this presentation done on time.”
Gary tossed a nearly empty file folder onto the table and let his hands fall to his side. “So I guess that’s it. We fold our hand.”
The sun ducked behind a cloud and the room turned an appropriate shade of dismal gray. Just then the door cracked open, letting in a stream of light from the hall.
Jean Applegate, one of the other managers, stuck her head through the door, “Hey guys. What’s up?”
What sounded like a growl escaped Phil’s throat. ”You know what’s up. We couldn’t get the presentation together on time. We’re dead in the water. We blew it. We’re nothing but dog meat.”
The corners of Jean’s mouth curled upward. “Well, I guess you don’t want this then.” She laid an array of project folders and specs on the table and watched the men’s eyes grow large. Jean laughed. “You know guys, if you’d asked me nice I would have been glad to help. As it is, you can thank Mark for the head’s up that you were in trouble. I had a similar presentation done for another client who bailed. A couple of hours work last night and, viola, here it is.”
Phil stood and clasp Jean’s hand. “If I weren’t married I kiss you, girl. My wife thanks you, my kids thank you, heck even my dog thanks you.”
Jean’s laugh filled the room once again.
Scanning the contents of one of the folders, Gary seemed unable to stop grinning. “You are a miracle worker, Jean! Honest. A miracle worker!”
Dialog makes the reader feel like they are in the room and listening to the characters’ conversation. When your reader becomes a part of the action they enjoy the story more.
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So SHOWING means using lots of description, right?
Using description is good, but description is not enough to get you from TELLING to SHOWING. SHOWING is more than a long list of adjectives.
Example:
TELLING
Jim awoke feeling a cold chill over his body and the hair rose on his neck. He heard a slight rustling sound behind his back, with a shifting of air, as if something might be swaying. He knew without a doubt that there was another presence in the bedroom with him and Elizabeth and it was of demonic origin.
From Divine Shout, by Patricia Winters Johnston
SHOWING
A chill swept Jim’s body. As he lay between the world of dreams and a state of conscious decision, the hair on the back of his neck, like so many tiny soldiers, rose to the attention of his fear. Jim’s mind came to full wakefulness as the rustling in the corner of the room grew to an urgent crackle. A waft of cool air once again moved across his bare chest but intuition begged that he not pull the covers around him. The evil presence floated past their bed with the stealth of a jungle creeper and bile collected in his stomach. The urge to purge himself nearly overtook him. For the safety of Elizabeth, who remained in peaceful sleep at his side, Jim forced his trembling form into submission and began to pray for help.
Notice how both paragraphs use description, but the first paragraph only describes what happened to Jim. The second paragraph allows the reader to experience the event as it happens to Jim. It pulls the reader into the room to lay in the bed alongside Jim and Elizabeth.
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Would it be fair to say that when a writer SHOWS he allows the reader to draw their own conclusions because they are participants in the event?
Yes. The writer does not intrude on the reader by telling him what to think, how to feel, or what conclusion to draw. The author simply lets the scene unfold and allows the reader to follow the story through to its logical end.
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But aren’t there times when a writer is supposed to TELL rather than SHOW? And if so, how do you know when to use these two techniques?
Yes, there are times the writer should TELL rather than SHOW.
1. You should TELL the trivial parts of the story that need to be filled-in but not expounded upon.
2. You may want to TELL some scenes when writing your first draft. This allows you to continue the flow of your story. When you do your rewrite you convert to SHOWING.
3. Typically outlines for proposals should use TELLING rather than showing. You will have sample chapters to illustrate you know how to write. The draft can say “And here there is a huge battle between King George and the Black Knight.”
One of the best ways to know when you need to SHOW is to ask yourself this question. “In this scene, does the reader need to be emotionally involved or can they distance themselves from my story here?” If the reader needs to be involved in the scene, you must SHOW. If it is merely a scene that supplies needed information, you may TELL.
Another way to determine if you should SHOW or TELL is to ask the following:
Does the detail help establish or intensify the mood?
Does it define a character?
Can it clarify an action?”
Some indicators of TELLING are the words clearly, obviously, usually & actually. These let the reader know that the writer hasn’t made their words clear. Strong, assertive writing seldom needs words like these.
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So how do I make something SHOW instead of TELL?
Use solid nouns and active verbs.
Instead of Saying
old paint
Say
the weathered, pealing paint
Instead of Saying
shiny coins
Say
the coins glinted in the sun
Instead of Saying
her pretty new clothes
Say
her fashionable silks drew the attention of every woman in the room
Instead of Saying
rough cloth
Say
the rough fabric tore at her skin
Instead of Saying
a cool drink of water
Say
that refreshed her parched throat
Instead of Saying
she had a beautiful voice
Say
her voice rose like that of a lark on a summer’s eve
Show the smoke instead of the fire.
New writers try too hard to describe the snap of the twigs, the intense heat, and the color of the flames. Sometimes it pays to take a more subtle approach. Describe the smoke and let the reader determine that it comes from a raging fire. Remember what it is you want the reader to focus on. When you concentrate on a description of the fire you move the focal point off of the protagonist. Better to describe the protagonist choking on the smoke.
Example - TELLING
All the kids knew that Belinda was the meanest kid in the world. She hated every kid in our school and treated even the best of them like dog meat. I don’t know why, but she hated me even more than everyone else and took great pleasure in torturing me.
Example - SHOWING
I caught more than a glint of pleasure in Belinda’s eyes as I fell to the floor, scattering the contents of my box lunch across the room. The rest of the class scampered out the door, bounding over the paltry offerings my mother had packed – but Belinda held back. I dragged my bruised body out of the fray and cowered against big George’s desk. My fingers recovered my eyeglasses just in time to bear witness to her malicious deed. With an smirk she stepped within inches of my form. Her black eyes bore into mine, daring me to show the slightest sign of weakness. When I could hold her gaze no longer, a slow smile appeared at the corners of her mouth. She licked her lips once, as if savoring the taste of her victory, then she ground the heel of her perfect patent leather shoe into the soft flesh of my peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
By concentrating on the antagonist and the protagonist the reader is drawn into the episode. Instead of telling us how mean Belinda is and focusing on the meanness, the writer focuses on the characters and SHOWS just what Belinda could do when she hated someone as much as she hated Billy
